Italian
Old age is extending, and family care becomes a ground for daily conflicts and reflections
ITALY – The elderly population is statistically becoming dominant over the youth population. Life expectancy has significantly increased to the point that today one is considered old when reaching and surpassing the age of 75. Rather than life being extended, old age has been prolonged.
The time that passed, a few decades ago, between the end of a healthy and productive life and death was generally short. A chronic debilitating illness or a sudden heart disease or cancer allowed the individual only a brief period of survival.
Today, and even more so in the future, assistance to elderly family members, often left alone and with significant disabilities in autonomy, has become a source of concern, stress, and intrafamily conflicts that make life very difficult for those who are called to provide care.
Gender equality is overlooked, as it is obvious to most, but certainly not justifiable, that women are the ones who take care of elderly family members. Thus, women do not always voluntarily accept the role of assisting the elderly, as a kind of tacit and expected delegation from their husbands and brothers.
It happens that the woman has to take care of the in-laws, or of acquired family members when the direct parties feel they should not get too involved. In the best-case scenario, the task of assistance and everything needed for the elderly person is more or less evenly distributed.
Even the elderly person who has been placed in a nursing home has needs that require the close family members to intervene, according to necessities that range from personal hygiene items, clothing, and other comfort goods.
And the elderly are indeed very demanding. They want to be visited and/or called multiple times on the phone, and they insist, sometimes in a nagging way, on being part of the lives of their children and grandchildren. They become bitter or even outraged when they feel neglected, even if it is not entirely true.
Then there are the holidays that young workers do not want to give up. Even caregivers go on vacation and need to be replaced, which is not always easy. Thus, young people cannot go on vacation to places that are too far away, because there might be an emergency they need to handle, and only they can address it.
The families’ intolerance and dissatisfaction become unsustainable. All because there is an elderly person to care for who, all in all, is still doing well, with a life expectancy that can exceed a decade.
The elderly are aware of all this that moves for them and around them, and they are very worried about it. To the point that they try to save as much as possible, giving up those things that could make them less unhappy. Saving to prepare for a future, even a long one, of solitude and needs.
They would like to be treated like Kings and Queens, sitting on the throne to be served, listened to, revered I would say. But they do not know that even Kings and Queens are like them when they grow old. Endured by the heirs who wait to take their place.
Even though they are a bit hard of hearing due to their age, they can still catch the whispered phrases: “how is the old man? what does the old woman think?”. Or when the elderly person arrives at the Emergency Room on holidays: “Here comes another one!”, or the family members complaining about having spent hours waiting, and having to give up their well-deserved rest and weekend.
I spoke on the phone with a friend who was very upset because she couldn’t come to an agreement with her sister about whether or not to buy pajamas for their elderly father, who is bedridden, a bit confused, and incontinent despite wearing adult diapers.
The sister said that one couldn’t buy a pair of pajamas a week, it was an expense, and the ones at home needed to be washed. My friend countered by arguing that washing pajamas too often was also an expense, an extra job for the caregiver, and anyway, by washing them so much, they wore out and new ones had to be bought.
A very serious problem for family peace! Also because this discussion was just one of many regarding the assistance to be provided to their elderly and sick father.
For this reason, I thought to myself, now on the threshold of my 75 years, but still healthy and active: “It’s better that I start buying pajamas, as many as I can!”
